Gig Etiquette - Don't be a Douche Bag!

Ok so we've all been to that awesome gig that was totally ruined by that friggen douche bag or bags, and I often think some of them are actually unaware of their Douchiness. Hence my gig etiquette guide, if you read this and some of these points sound like a standard good night out for you, well it's safe to say, you, my friend are a Douche Bag!

• Don't come and stand right next to me and then proceed to talk really loudly to your mate next to you. If you want to catch up, go to dinner, a pub, whatever I don't care. I, like you, have paid good money for this gig and had every intention of listening to the band. Don't look pissed when I tap you on the shoulder and shout HEY DUDE, SHUT UP!!
• Don't turn up tanked and proceed to drink 8 more Bourbons in the 30 mins prior to the headlining act coming on. I'm standing at the back so I can actually see something and avoid being trampled as I'm small. If you stumble into me again I will push back! Don't use me to lean on, I neither know you, nor like you so try to remain upright and lucid at all times because if you fall down I may accidentally kick you several times in the face.
• Don't endanger my eye sight by flailing around wildly poking and pushing those around you. If your dancing is bigger than the space you've allocated for yourself, then take it down a notch. Considering that you dance like Elaine from Seinfeld, maybe you should stop the dancing altogether and go for a more co-ordinated head nod, OR move to the front to be with other big dancing, like-minded, knobheads.
• If you're a chick with long hair and like being up the front, for the love of God, tie your nasty hair up! Don't leave it out to get all sweaty and stuck to my face! If I have to deal with another hairy mouthful, next time I'm bringing scissors!
• Don't take so many drugs that you have no idea where, who or what you are! At the Coaster Festival a group of us were sitting watching a band when some freak, very off his face, holding 2 beers spotted a mate (I assume) about 15 meters away. All of a sudden he looked so excited, actually he looked insane, ceremoniously handed his beers to someone next to him, made a big show, took his pants off, then ran and tackled this guy to the ground in a very inappropriate display of man love. He had no idea of his surroundings, he could hardly stand and we all cleared out of the way in case he removed his few remaining items of clothing. 
• There is no such thing as a sneaky fart. Don't do it! Yes, the sound will be drowned out by the band, but the stench wont be! It's not my fault you incorrectly chose to eat at that cool and cheap Indian place down the road, so don't punish me! Hold onto it because it will stink! Knight of Columbus it will stink! And don't then look around you with fake outrage at the stench you've inflicted on us... I KNOW IT WAS YOU, YOU GRUB!

I need a whole section on bad gig and festival fashion, I need a whole post, I need to start a whole new blog dedicated to offensive and downright ridiculous and inappropriate gig fashion! But I wont, somehow I've managed to narrow it down to the latest and most current offender that has me standing on a huge soap box with a megaphone screaming:
HEY FATTY, PUT SOME PANTS ON! I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ATE FOR BREAKFAST!
Ladies, short shorts are gross. Unless you had a horrific accident in which Emergency Staff had to cut your pants off and you are such a trooper and a huge fan you didn't want to miss anything by going home and changing your pants, then I don't want to see 2 inches of frumpy bum hanging out the bottom of your pants! It seems these days there is 3 inches being added to the top to make them high waisted, and 3 inches being removed from the bottom of them!!

Look sweetheart, I know you want to (or think you already do) look like this:

But in actual fact, trust me, from this angle you look way more like this!

Most importantly, have a good time! We're all there for the love of music, (well most of us) and if you enjoy what you hear or see then sing, and dance and move and get into it, just always be a little mindful of those around you! Also it's important to remember to try to remain clean! If you're at a festival stay out of the mud! Sure, often it's hard to avoid at a wet festival but muddy feet are different to bathing in it! You're not 5 anymore.

Let me know what you all think. These pointers are from my experiences at gigs and festivals but I know you all have your own horror stories, leave a comment and let us know what they are! Maybe there are some standard DON'TS that I missed.